World of lies.

Dear reader,


Have you ever been so good at lying that you don't even bat an eye when you do, that you told the same lies so much times that you start to believe them yourself? You can't feel it, the guilt, because in a way you've started to believe them too and it starts becoming part of your reality even if you know that it's bad and wicked and horrible.


I bet you've only been there when someone asked what happened to your dad, why wasn't he around anymore, you probably said that it was because your parents divorced, when in reality he left you and your mother alone, or when someone asked you why didn't you eat tomatoes, you said it was because you were allergic, when in reality you just didn't like them. And I know that you felt guilty for saying those things, and after a while  you regreted doing it in the first place and confessed that you had lied.


I don't.




Being good at lying probably isn't good, but it helps when you don't want your family to know how bad you are. How much you've fallen... that you aren't as straight as they come, that there are scars all over your arms and thighs, and that your mind is the only thing that hasn't broken... 
I have been there plenty of times, lying about the scars of my arms and hands, and about that I was single, when I clearly had someone, but wouldn't say because I was too afraid to see the reaction of my parents when I told them that that someone was of my same sex. But the worst of these lies, is that after some time you start to believe them yourself... 


Like that one time they asked you how you got that cut on the palm of your hand, you said it was caused because you accidentaly grabbed too hard on the blade of the knive in Cooking Class when in reality you had had a panic attack and you had grabbed your emergency razor and cut through your skin sighing in bliss at the feeling that you were still alive. They believed you without doubt... and so did your friends and your siblings. And slowly slithering past you, without you noticing, the lie started crawling up from your tongue to your brain... deceiving you with beautiful, soft, whispering lies that became your truth... Making a world from lies and deceit... a world were you can't escape from. 


Sincerly,
the child who survived.

Fallen

Dear reader,


I used to like helping others but I don't anymore, or at least, not as much as I did before. Because for being nice and kind, caring and loving... when you do a mistake... it's like you are the worst person on Earth... people start thinking you're not who they thought you were, and you think they are right, that you, indeed are, the worst person that has ever existed... always deceiving without remorse. 


Have you ever felt that? 


You've probably only felt that when you told a secret you weren't supposed to tell or that one time you cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend. You probably think now that because you are human making mistakes so that you can learn from them is in your nature, that as long as you are sorry everything will be alright and can go back to how it was before and you probably say that it was for the best, that you learnt from those mistakes.


I don't.


That's why I stopped being nice, and thought of myself as a bad person, because it's easier, so when you aren't mean, when you don't make mistakes you are over people's expectations and they think highly of you, not like before... never like before, but they think that maybe, just maybe you aren't that lost. 


Sincerely,
the child who survived.

I'm not a nice person

Dear reader,




I'm not a nice person.


I realized that in the past two years. 


When you first meet me I'm really kind and nice, a very good person, but then, when we become friends... I don't feel the need to be nice anymore, I become mean and cold, I don't betray you, or start treating you like shit but I stop caring... well, not that I ever did, the difference is that I make it obvious. I can't care about anything or anyone... it's as if I were disconnected from my body, just waiting to die or for someone to come and save me from this endless pit I'm falling into. 




Sincerly,
the child who survived.

Introduction

Dear Reader,

This blog is going to be about different experiences that have happened to me throughout my life. These are gonna be my very thoughts, straight out of the raw, untouched thing that is my mind, you might not like what you read here so read under your own risk.

Sincerely,
the child who survived.